Aussie Prime
Minister Julia Gillards’ announcement of the terms of reference of a Royal
Commission of enquiry into sexual abuse of children in churches, schools
and government institutions is a bold move (even though it shouldn’t be seen as
such) and its going to uncover cans of worms for sure. It will no doubt bring at
least some relief as victims are heard, perhaps for the first time. It will
bring back traumatic memories for victims in those settings, and it will no
doubt stir the pot for countless others abused in different settings by so
called friends and family members – the very people children need to be able to
trust. Most abuse victims have some sort of relationship with the abuser. The
Royal Commission may have some pedophiles and predators ever so slightly
concerned too. I wonder if any will be so remorseful as to own up and face
their music?
In New
Zealand we have plenty of sexual predators in our own back yard and it is safe
to say those who are caught and prosecuted are a minority of the number who are
offending. We can only guesstimate how many boys and girls, and women of all
ages, have been and are subjected to sexual abuse. Despite progress in recent
years, the whole subject is still relatively taboo but it is clear that a
culture of abuse of women and children is deeply ingrained in human societies
all over the world.
The
ongoing furore over BBC TV personality Jimmy Saville’s long term offending with
impunity, stories of cover-ups and all the ducking and diving that inevitably
accompanies such investigations can surely be the tiniest tip of the iceberg in
the UK too. It is an example of how blinded we can become when we don’t want to
see. Then there is the recent hideous rape and murder of an innocent young
woman in India, out for a movie and minding her own business with a friend.
This widely publicized atrocity has highlighted the prevalence of rape and the
abuse of women in Indian culture and has created calls for cultural change
which will hopefully only grow louder. The human trafficking and the sex slave
business continues to be a multi billion dollar industry and plenty of other
cultures see women and children as exploitable commodities. Young men on
Youtube having a laugh about a mate raping a comatose teen, is a modern example
of some common and truly disturbing attitudes. From my view we are a pretty
sick and immature species when seen through the sex lens.
So what
are we to do about ourselves and our dysfunction? Perhaps our problems can be
addressed in part through education along with the growth of a strong culture of intolerance
of abuse. Victims also need to be empowered to speak up in a safe environment.
This is easier said than done. It is incredibly easy to frighten or otherwise
coerce a child (and even an adult) into silence. We are wired to survive, even
if our silence plants the seeds of dis-ease inside as our experiences left
unresolved eat away at self-esteem over time.
I
understand this ‘eating away’ feeling well. My own sexual abuse happened one
night when I was staying with my best friend’s family – on my very first summer
holiday away from home. I was there for my seventh birthday. This family
generously invited my brother and I to go away with them at a time when my
mother (who was our sole parent) was unable to fund such a holiday herself. We
were all very grateful and I was beside myself with excitement. That excitement
turned to fear and simply surviving my holiday after the very first night – I
was there for a week, which at seven years old felt like eternity.
My best
friends’ father (who I had known for a year or so) woke me up with his activity
and I can still vividly remember realizing what was happening and somehow
swallowing the scream that rose up from my guts. I knew if he
knew I was awake and aware he would have to kill me to stop me telling on him
(this was my logic) so I endured the violation and pretended to be asleep. The
next day I maneuvered a change to my sleeping space and each long night I
stayed awake after everyone else when to sleep. He only came back one other
time and when he saw I was awake he went away. I could only sleep once I knew
he did. My fear of him kept me quiet long after the holiday. I did not disclose
the incident until twenty years later. He died never knowing I knew what he
did. He was never confronted and he abused other children too as I have come to
discover. I still feel a sense of responsibility for that, even though none of
the other children seem to have spoken out either. We let him ‘get away with
it’.
You might
think I must be mad not speaking up. I have certainly wondered myself over the
years. I was a front line police officer for seven years for goodness sake! I
had every resource I needed to file an historic complaint. I was close so many
times and fear always stopped me. I would justify it was all so long ago. It
was my word against his. My childhood memory would be discredited as fantasy.
He was well liked in his community. I had no proof or witnesses. I didn’t want
people seeing me as ‘tainted’ by it. Possibly the fear of being disbelieved was
then the biggest block to my taking action. The responsibility of causing harm
to my best friend and her mum weighed heavily too. I didn’t want to make a fuss
and cause trouble. There were many facets to my silence. The times were
different then and my procrastinations just grew into years and then decades of
inaction regarding ‘him’. For myself, I did the work to resolve my own issues
with it all and moved on as much as I could. It may seem weird to you but I
still feel proud of a seven year old me that managed to minimize this to a one
off experience – all by myself!
Today it
might seem much easier for victims to speak up but we are still a long way from
living in a culture where respect for each other regardless of age or gender is
the norm. It is never ok to violate another person. The harm done is more
costly on more levels than we realize and the solutions more complex than can
be dealt with via laws alone. It is self-evident that for behaviour to change
attitudes must change and for attitudes to change, values must change. We are
living in a time where the devaluing of women and children is eroding societal
fabric. It's a dangerous game to play using women as objects of pleasure and
children as exploitable. We are creating a culture of fear when we could create
a culture of care.
Oh that it
were as easy as applying respect respect and respect as a balm on
everything and everyone. How our world might be different! May the victims in
Australia and everywhere discover ways to re-empower themselves and not succumb
to the slide into life-long ‘victim’ where the perpetrator retains the power.
Reclaim your power (whatever it takes) and reclaim your life.
And that’s
it, from my view.
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